I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
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