Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
