Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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