Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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