Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
