Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
