Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
