She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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