my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
