I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
