I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
