I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
