This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize