What a fucking waste of an outfit
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
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