I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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