i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
