Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
