After last night, I could never be a politician.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
