I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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