I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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