god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
