i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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