I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize