nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
