dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
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