those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
