who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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