I met the friendliest cop last night
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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