I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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