Who wears a wallet chain?!
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
