What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
