someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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