all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize