I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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