I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize