I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
