the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
