Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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