I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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