I wish my penis had an off switch
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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