At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
