I understand Curling. That high.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
