do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
