I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Green mimosas i think yes
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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