I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
