we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
