I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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