Fine. I'll sleep in my office
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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