omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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