Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
