we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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