We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
