I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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