i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
