he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
