put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
