I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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