omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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