just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
