the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
