Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
