I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
